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To say it has been a while since I posted anything would be the understatement of the year. And while that may be a more impactful statement a few months from now (being that it’s still January), I still think it says a lot. But to the subject at hand: dating is a huge bag of dicks sometimes.

That’s right; I said it: DATING SUCKS. I mean getting to know people can be fun and it’s supposed to be an exchange of information; likes, dislikes, ect. But Babeeeee, when I tell you that idealistic notion of what’s supposed to happen and what actually happens are two completely different things.

So for my newly single friends or my attached friends who just want to laugh at my misery, I proudly present to you the three types of men I’ve run into while dating in this urban jungle.

  1. The Self-Employed, Starving Artist

He’s adorable; just completely adorable, his slightly disheveled hair falling slightly over his eyes when he laughs his full bellied laugh. He’s also smart and ridiculously creative, two qualities you love to have in a man. Then to top it all off, he’s ambitious, but in a very Hamlet kind of way. We all remember struggling through that book in high school and while we may not remember all of the intimate details, we know the moral of the story was that the main character’s ambition caused him to do some horrible things. The self-employed, starving artists I’ve run across have this same issue. Now I’m all about following your dreams and doing what you love, but there has to come a time when you also have to understand that we all have to do fancy things, like eat. But seriously, I’ve run across some men who are so hell bent on following through with their dreams that they completely neglect their day to day responsibilities. Case in point: the self-proclaimed “professional protester” I dated that refused to hold down a regular job or even a place to live because he needed to “be gone at a moment’s notice to fight for the cause.”

*Insert the biggest eye roll ever known to man.

  1. The Married, but Single in his Mind Man

He’s kind, gentle, and incredibly patient. He shows up for dates with flowers and candy and always opens doors. You keep pinching yourself, like “damn sis, he just might be a strong contender.” You casually mention a restaurant you’ve been wanting to go to and he surprises you one evening by pulling up in their parking lot. You’re smiling ear to ear as you have a great conversation over a wonderful meal and cap your night with the sweetest kiss at your front door You have to finally admit to yourself that you are absolutely fucking smitten until your phone rings ten minutes later. His name pops on the screen so you put on your sweetest voice and say “Hey baby.”

 

“Baby?!?!?!  Well, this is (insert the fuckery’s name here)’s wife. And I was just calling you to speak to you woman to woman.”

 

WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY????

 

  1. The Man Boy

This one doesn’t last very long for me because it doesn’t take long to sniff out their stench. So yeah, I don’t have a long, drawn out description to set the mood for this type of fuckery. If I have to explain to you what income taxes are, how to open a bank account, or any other basic shit that has to do with being a marginal adult, I’m not interested. By no means do I have all of my ducks in a row, but I can at least do my best impersonation of an adult on a day-to-day basis. Sheesh!

And ladies and gentlemen, that is it and all for this edition of the dating chronicles. Go ahead, laugh at my pain. I don’t mind. It’s all a part of the process. And while there has been some antics and shenanigans in these dating adventures I’ve been engaging in as of late, there have been some decent dudes I’ve run across. Just have to take it all with a grain of salt, while trying not to end up salty.

Peace and blessings until next time.

 

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