Through my snowed-in internet travels today I stumbled across an article titled, “How to Be a Side Chick” on wikiHow.
“Am I serious?” you ask.
Why yes, dear reader, I am. (Check out the link below if you think I’m playing.)
I know the internet is the home of everything you never knew existed (ie: full websites dedicated to how to express your dog’s anal glands), but this has just taken the “side piece of cake” for the most ignorant thing I’ve ever witnessed. ß Well, maybe not ever, but it ranks pretty high up there.
So without further ado, I present you with the top 3 “tips” of this list of 9 that completely blew my wig back.
“#5: Don’t ask questions.”
“#6: Don’t try to spend holidays or birthdays with the guy.”
“#9: Let him think he’s the only one.”
… … … Ummm, yeah, that’s the sound of me scratching my scalp because my wig is still blowing in the wind.
Here’s my deal. If you as a woman have such high aspirations to be a “side piece” that you are actually trolling the internet to learn how to do it successfully, let me offer you another option.
Delete “how to be a side piece” from the search engine and type “how to find a good therapist.”
Yeah I said it.
There is something wrong with a woman that not only decides to take a back seat to another woman, but looks for a step-by-step guide on how to do it.
Now, we’re all adults and I understand life gets busy at times so I can understand wanting a “non-committed relationship” with a maintenance man (A.K.A. someone who comes through to clean out them pipe when they get a little clogged *wink wink).
But that should be something done between two consenting, uncommitted adults.
Seriously, if a man makes it know that he is seriously involved with someone else, why the hell should I allow him to think he’s the only one? To protect his ego? Fuck his ego! If by some strange stretch of the imagination I were to engage in a relationship like this, it would be for my own personal fulfillment. What the hell do I care about his ego?!?!?!
“Don’t ask questions” Who the hell is he? God? In my worst spiritual days I still question her so yeah, that definitely makes no sense.
“Don’t try to spend holidays with the guy.” What’s the point? Why would I share myself with someone and not expect him to share “special days” with me?
As a side chick, a woman is essentially reducing herself to a sexual object. If she can’t speak, ask questions, and has a sole function of catering to the ego of a man, what’s her role in this “relationship”? To please this man sexually, that’s what.
Take command of your VAG, ladies. It belongs to you. Not some guy who won’t do what he needs to do to own (or at least rent to own) it exclusively.
If she needs to be serviced, get her serviced! And not just by some creep who is totally invested in the servicing industry. Make sure his portfolio is diversified, but not in a way that it includes other shareholders. In other words, don’t reduce yourself to being just “thou who needs to be serviced.” You are whole woman, so act like one.
I really don’t want to generate any more traffic to this article, but in case you’re interested, here it is in all of its “glory.”
How to Be a Side Chick
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