I’m flawed, but still dope AF.

We all are.

While last week’s blog focused on how dope I/we are, this week’s is focusing on all of the things I don’t know. *insert semi-sad face

It all started last week when I reached out to my mom –

Yes, I talk about my mom a lot and this should probably be her blog, but hey, here you are and here I am and here she is because I know she’s probably reading this too. LOL

 — I felt helpless because I couldn’t understand why I was continuing to do something that clearly wasn’t good for me or serving me any positive purpose.

For me, when I focus really hard on achieving a goal, I smash it, then move on to the next thing. But that’s the thing with some goals, some of them require our ongoing attention and failure to give them the same energy will lead us back to the drawing board.

While I’m flourishing in some areas of my life, I’ve hit the Crisco slip and slide back to the drawing board on others.

It makes me feel like there isn’t enough of me to go around.

For instance, if I’m focusing on evolving as an artist, my physical fitness will suffer.

If I focus and put all of my attention on engaging with the kids all of the time, making sure they’re involved in extracurriculars, checking homework every night, making it to every school event they have, and everything else involved with being super mom, my professional 9 to 5 life will suffer.

If I focus and put all of my attention on efforts outside of the home, I find I’m not cleaning the inside of my home as often, according to the little dust bunnies hanging out in the corner.

And when I try to radiate equal amounts of effort all over the place, I find myself struggling to balance it all and get tired; exhausted even.

Most adults I know work full time, are trying to raise families, and have some sort of “side hustle”.

We live in a world that praises being overextended and shuns every other effort as if it isn’t good enough.

So I press on, not because of any external influence (trust me, I put enough pressure on myself), but because there are so many things I want to do, see, and experience in this lifetime.

But how do I break this cycle of set goal, achieve goal, next goal, then back to the first?

For example, about a year or so ago, I was waking up in the morning and working out every day. If I ate it, I logged it in a food diary, and my body was thanking me for the effort.

Well I started writing again and staying up later, so those early morning workouts turned from 5 days a week, to 3 days a week, to lately none at all.

Then I woke up one day to get dressed for work and my work pants were like, “nah, sis. It’s not happening.”

So things are going well with my creative efforts, but the button on my work pants is ready to start a rebellion.

C’mon son.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a master at scheduling and planning, so that isn’t my problem. It’s just sometimes all of the scheduling and planning gets stifling. Why can’t I just live my life without having to jot down and structure every detail?

Ugh!

So unfortunately folks, I don’t have a solution to this issue. But as I write this, I’m coming to the conclusion that that may just be the point.

Lack of solution = Solution

I spend so much time solving problems (mine and other people’s) that I think my brain is just like, “I’m going to need you to chill.”

I think due to the way life is structured sometimes, there’s this omnipresent pressure to have it all figured out. Deviation from that makes us feel like we like we’re not doing our best or enough or that we’re just not measuring up.

But we don’t need to have all of the answers.

Sometimes I think it’s ok to just to acknowledge something is happening, even if that means you have to start all over again.

So here’s to all of us …

And our pursuit of balance …

While we figure out how to, not do it all …

But do enough …

At the same damn time *in my ratchet rapper voice.

Until next time, folks.

Love and Light,

Erin

Looking to keep in touch with my antics between blogs?

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You can also find all of my books The Becoming of Us, Vol. I, The Becoming of Us, Vol. II, What’s Hiding in the Dark: 10 Tales of Urban Lore, and They Eat on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/130-2120102-2933537?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=erin+mcmillon

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