Who I am – VS – Who I Want to Be

Have you ever consciously reinvented yourself?

Not in a gradual way like we do as we age and mature though.

What I’m talking about is literally sitting yourself down and saying, “Girl! Yes, you girl over there in the mirror. It’s time for a change.”

I have.

And I’m about to do it again.

Why?

Because while I do try to give myself credit for the things in life I’m doing right …

I also know that there are some things I could be doing better …

And some things I shouldn’t be doing at all (remember that time I wrote that manifesto about quitting smoking *insert face palm emoji of temporary failure).

There are areas in my life that are going to require a fuck ton of discipline and structure on my end to improve.

Because …

I have this picture in my mind of who I want to be and I’m not there yet because I keep waiting for WHEN.

Ride with me on this, fam.

I’ve been saying it for years …

“Well, I’ll do it WHEN …

“I’ll get there WHEN …

“I’ll stop doing this WHEN …

Shit, I’m tired of hearing myself talk about WHEN.

And in the last few weeks, let’s just say that I’ve had some experiences …

that made me think …

about the things that affect my behavior and moods …

about the things that I put in my body …

the things I put on my to do list …

the things I put on my list of things to give a fuck about …

about the struggle between who I am and who I want to be.

And I realized that WHEN will never come if I don’t decide that WHEN is actually NOW!

Because I’ve been saying it for too damn long.

I was legit laying in the bed the other day, staring at the ceiling, with only the sound of the passing cars in the air think about how long I’ve been saying it.

I initially thought was “Oh, well, you’re only been stuck in this rut of personal complacency for a few months.”

But I realized I have been saying that for some time now too … tricking myself into believing my timeline was real.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it’s actually been a couple of years … maybe even a damn decade *clutches pearls and feigns death like Fred Sanford

And that realization hit me harder than anything ever in life.

Because if I keep saying “I’ll do it WHEN …

More years are going to pass …

And WHEN will become NEVER …

This whole silent discussion with myself punch me in the face when it came to my personal evolution, it also made me realize how we often ignore the importance of timeliness when it comes change and evolution because we’re blind ourselves with the illusion that we have time.

But we don’t.

I mean, the time we do have and how long it will last is not up to us … regardless of what deity we believe in (or nah), scripture we read, or how many times a day we get on our knees to pray.

And while we DON’T have time to wait for WHEN …

What we DO have is the power to do things NOW.

So NOW is the time for me to figure things out and put in the work I need to in order transform … to reinvent myself.

But unlike last time, instead of morphing into another phase, picking up another hobby, adding another task or person to my plate …

I’m going to let the me I want to be unapologetically kick the metaphorical shit out of the me I am.

And I hope you will too.

 

Until next time, folks,

Stop procrastinating,

Because it serves you no purpose,

Because the you you want to be is waiting,

You just have to go and get her.

 

Love and Light,

 

Erin

 

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