Writer’s Note: Before we go into this discussion, let me just say this first: MEN ARE NOT EVIL! (trust me, I gave birth to one) … but the way we socialize them in this world can make them pretty shitty – at the least on the mild end – and dangerous on the severe. So if you have a problem with women speaking about their experiences and think that it somehow implies some indictment of you and your behavior, I need you to hit that back button on your phone or browser right now. That is all … now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Anyhow, I see us out here struggling, ladies.
On one hand, we’re pissed about all of the things men have done to us throughout the years, yet dumb hyped because we finally have a voice to speak on it …
Well let me say that differently. We’ve BEEN speaking on it, but the invention of social media has given us platforms to speak to each other and understand that we aren’t alone in many of these experiences.
So we’re screaming about the crappy experiences we’ve had loud and clear.
But at the same time …
At the same time ladies …
Many of us are also wives; girlfriends, or just navigating the minefield of what dating is in 2018 …
and I’m watching us struggle with living in the truth of our experiences and our day-to-day lives.
This all started when I woke up randomly thinking about Russell and Ciara … I thought about how sis dated and had a beautiful baby with her ex Future … how trash she deemed the situation to be … how she moved on, seemed to come to understand her worth and make better choices … and moved into a different space with a completely different type of man.
And now she has a gang of women running behind her virtual train, collectively screaming “relationship goals”.
But I also thought about if her past experiences pop up randomly … I wondered if she’s learned to separate what happened to her in that bad experience with someone who wasn’t meant for her with what’s happening to her now?
Because as much as I see us becoming more vocal about the hurt of past experiences, I also see a lot of us struggling with life and relationships even when we’re no longer in that space.
I call it “Post Fucccboi PTSD”.
No matter how good the current situation may be, we are all hard wired to protect ourselves, so there’s always going to be that thing in the back of our minds that says, “as soon as I let my guard down that’s when IT is going to happen.”
I literally imagined Ciara in the kitchen staring at Russell while she makes eggs in the morning, ready to smack his ass with the frying pan because he strung together a sentence that was similar to something her crappy ex would say.
I pictured them at the super market, her burning holes in the back of his head with her eyes because she thought she caught him sneaking a peek at some woman squeezing melons in the produce section.
In other words, ladies, I wondered if she sometimes allows her past to affect her Future (pun intended).
People will tell you that it’s about healing before you even start looking for a relationship …
And that’s true,
And I’m certain she did … just as many of us try to.
But it’s also knowing that healing is a process … and if and when you do meet someone with whom you’re compatible (or if you already have), it’s also about knowing that there are going to be times when that wound is going to be reopened and you’re going to have to keep healing.
So while we grow and blossom into our new spaces, ladies, I want us to be patient with ourselves and ask that our mates are patient with us as well.
Because in the event that you do decide to smack him upside his head with that frying pan, I don’t have any bail money and I have yet to get “Post Fuccboi PTSD” officially recognized by the governing body of legitimate mental health issues.
Until next time, folks,
Do you best to try to recognize what happened …
Without living in what happened …
Because the last thing you want …
Is for your past experiences to rob you of your current happiness.
Love and Light,
What did you say?
You miss me when I’m gone?
Well, you know you can keep up with my antics every other day of the week:
You can also find all of my books The Becoming of Us, Vol. I, The Becoming of Us, Vol. II, What’s Hiding in the Dark: 10 Tales of Urban Lore, and They Eat on Amazon: