We learn from pain.
Think about your childhood friends; your first boyfriend. We have the best memories of those people because we had those relationships before we experienced too much pain. So we loved harder and connected more purely.
But then the pain of experience set in.
You’re a kid. You touch the stove; it’s hot and that hurts. So you don’t touch the stove anymore.
You’re coming of age, just starting to experience life without your parents. Yet, you don’t understand how deceptive people can be, so you trust blindly and someone misuses that trust. And that hurts too, so you don’t trust the same anymore.
You’re an adult. You have your first corporate job; you think the people you work with are your friends; then your “friend” stabs you in the back over a promotion. And that hurts too, so you don’t let those people in anymore.
I’ve done it.
And odds, are you have too.
And the years pass …
And there you are, finding yourself avoiding have real, true friendships and spending most of your time alone, outside of a few folks, simply because it doesn’t hurt.
But while we think we’re just dodging the pain that sometimes comes along with dealing with people, we’re was also dodging any possibility of having any true and meaningful connection with anyone.
And that got me to thinking … (hold on to your hats, guys, y’all know this thinking thing only happens to me once a week LOL).
Is it possible for me, for us, to learn just as much from our positive exchanges with people and carry that with us as well?
I mean, before there was the pain we now associate with that bad break up or crappy friend, there were good times, too? Right?
So if both the good times and the bad were just moments in time, why is it that we hold so tightly to the ones that hurt us? Why are we not weighing them with the same scale?
You don’t remember laughing with your friend about something that really shouldn’t have been that funny until your eyes teared and your belly hurt?
You don’t remember that time your ex showed up to your job with that bouquet of flowers?
You don’t remember the time your homegirl used her lunch break to run to the drug store to get you cough drops and tea because you were sick and ran out of vacation time?
I know you do.
So why are you holding on to that painful moment that ended the relationship and allowing that to shape your life; allowing it to color the way you see everyone else you come across on your journey?
What I have come to understand that I have a choice in what I carry with me.
And that’s just it.
It’s all about where we put our focus.
You have to make a choice to hold on to good instead of the bad.
You have to make a choice to remember the joy instead of the pain.
You have to make a choice to be unapologetically happy.
You have to make a choice to love despite it all.
No, we can’t choose to control other people’s behavior, we CAN choose what to focus on when it comes to what we learn from them..
This is not to say we have to forget the lessons the pain taught us, but instead of keeping it in the bag in our trunk, maybe we should just take a little bit out, put it in a little baggie, then a little in your purse … a little in the baggie, a little in your purse. (Y’all know you like that Jay-Z reference LOL!)
And keep the little in your purse as a reminder not build a fortress of pain, while your busy trying to protect yourself.
Until next time, folks …
Try to let some people in …
… just sometimes …
Because it’s not fair to the world…
For you to keep all of your dopeness to yourself.
Love and Light,
What did you say?
You miss me when I’m gone?
Well, you know you can keep up with my antics every other day of the week …
You can also find all of my books The Becoming of Us, Vol. I, The Becoming of Us, Vol. II, What’s Hiding in the Dark: 10 Tales of Urban Lore, and They Eat on Amazon: